Uriah Nathaniel. A birth story.

Uriah Nathaniel

Here is your birth story.

Early (0500) Sunday morning on July 26th I woke up to use the restroom. I noticed that something was unusual. I woke up your dad and told him I thought my water had broken. I got up and called labor and delivery and they told me to wash up and see if I kept leaking fluid and watch for contractions. (My midwife had already told me to come in if they were 5 minutes apart and didn’t go away after 2 tylenol, water, and laying down.) 

So, I showered, dried my hair, and laid down. Immediately when I laid down the contractions started. That was 0530. I began timing them. They were already 3 minutes apart and slowly getting stronger. So...we got up called mom, called Dawna to come stay with your brother, and got ready to go. 

We got checked in to the hospital at 0730 and settled into a room. They weighed me, hooked me up to monitors, and checked me. I was 50% effaced and dilated to a 1. They were just going to keep an eye on me until 0930. They checked again at 0930 and I was dilated to about a 2. They then said they would check again at 1130. At 1130 they checked the fluid I had been leaking all morning. It was amniotic fluid. So, they were for sure my water had broken so I had to be admitted for sure. 

They got me moved over to labor room 4. I wasn’t allowed out of bed again until you were born. I was checked again and was about a 3. Slow progress. They allowed me to labor a while. Anna and Victor came to visit after morning worship and then Chad, Lindsey and the kids came by to visit. Your dad went to the house to put Jensen down for a nap so that he had a little bit of his usual routine. 

My blood pressure had started rising a little so they wanted to check my urine for proteins but wouldn’t let me out of bed. So, they did a straight catheter. 

Finally about 1730 I decided to go ahead and get an epidural just in case I had to have a c-section. I didn’t want them to have to completely put me to sleep. The epidural was so painful. I met Dr. Wiggins who was on call for the weekend. She said she would allow me to labor a little longer. I was about a 5 and 80% effaced...but, you were NOT dropping down at all. But, they let me continue to labor on. When she checked me she had to lay me flat and I had a contraction at the same time. It was so painful and the epidural medicine was so strong that I got very flushed and nauseous. I began throwing up in a bag while I was laying flat. I had vomit all in my right ear. Luckily all I had eaten was 2-3 popsicles. 

Finally about 1030 Dr. Wiggins came in a and checked me again and I hadn’t made any more progress. So, we had to resort to another c-section. They placed a catheter and got me ready. I did discuss with her that I wanted my photographer in the OR and wanted to see my child born because it may be my last. She agreed to drop the drape. 

Even though I had an epidural I was so uncomfortable, I was tired, and I missed Jensen. It seemed like it took them forever to get me prepped for surgery. Then they brought Josh and Kayla in. It seemed like another eternity waiting on them to cut through all the layers to get to you. Finally it was time to meet you. At 2323 they dropped the drape and the nurse anesthetist and your daddy help up my shoulders as they pulled you out and showed you to me. I cried and smiled and just stared at you until they had to take you to weigh you. They immediately brought you back to me and put you on my chest. I held you for about 5 minutes while they sewed me up. Then I just relaxed while everyone left and they finished. 

They took me back to my labor and delivery room and I got to hold you and try to nurse you. I remember the shaking being pretty bad with Jensen...but, I thought it would never stop. My jaws were hurting so bad from being clenched with the shivering. You are perfect and beautiful. You look just like  your father. Your fingers and toes are so long. You have dark hair and dusky eyes. You were 6 pounds and 13 ounces. You were 19 inches long. We apent the night crying and staring at you. Your daddy cried and told me how strong he thought I was and how proud he was. 

Monday morning you got to meet your brother. He was so proud!!! He crawled up in the bed with me and we let him hold and kiss you. You are 8 days old today and he hasn’t stopped. He loves you so much! I was able to go home Tuesday morning. 

Thursday I kept getting flushed and took my blood pressure and it was pretty high. Kellie wanted me to come see her Friday morning. Then Thursday night I woke up with a pain in my left calf. I figured I had a cramp and went back to sleep. Friday I got up to go see Kellie and my leg was still sore. She put me on blood pressure medicine and sent me home to rest. My calf pain kept getting stronger and then my toes went numb about 1800. Josh was in Arlington at a ballgame for his birthday so I called Ginger to take me to the ER while mom stayed with the boys until Josh got back. I had 2 blood clots in my leg. They started me on lovenox and I stayed 2 more nights in the hospital. It took having you to spend my first night away from Jensen...but you were only 5 days old when I had to spend the first night away from you. They let you come stay with me Saturday -Sunday though. 

So, now I am lovenox shots twice a day for a few months and blood pressure medicine for a few weeks...At this point out family is complete :) 

2 under 2 can make for a disastrous view!

I noticed I hadn't posted since the end of my first trimester, so I vowed to do better. I have my birth story for Uriah written and will post it next.

This have been chaos around here to say the least. When Uriah was about 5 weeks old Jensen started his regression of sorts. He decided he needed to be rocked to sleep again at night. But, thankfully that only lasted a week or two and we are back to normal. He loves his baby brother very much. We have to keep him off of him often.

So, I mainly wanted to post this blog so I could look back and laugh about the chaos of this week! So, Jensen has started saying "MOM" repeatedly! Like incessantly! And when I say "What" or "Yes, Jensen?" He looks at me or grins. Seldom will he actually tell me something. He is driving me batty!

Disaster Day 1-
Sunday. We are sitting in worship and during the lesson Jensen sits in a little booster seat. Well, he is so cute in his new birthday clothes. He has had more sugar than usual (it is his birthday party weekend after all). All of a sudden we hear an awful juicy poot...That is such an understatement. Everyone on the pew looked down at us (thinking it was Uriah) and started giggling. I, however, was NOT giggling because I knew that I was about to have to clean one of the nastiest things ever made by a 2 year old! About the time I pick up the diaper bag Jensen is telling me "poop" in a pitiful sad voice. So, we went to the back and conquered the worst blow out ever seen! BUT, because that wasn't enough...we went to linch with Kellie, Nate, and Victor at Texas Roadhouse. Jensen child on a roll and decided to throw up while standing in the booth between Kellie and Victor. Poor Victor had toddler puke all over his freshly dry cleaned suit. Natural birth control guys!

Disaster Day 2-
Thankfully I had a few days in between with only small sporadic disasters. Then there was Friday. I decided to take a shower while Uriah was sleeping on Josh and Jensen was occupied playing. When I got out of the shower I called for Jensen so he could come brush his teeth. He came in the bathroom with a tube of diaper rash cream that he had rubbed on his arms and was telling me "Yotion, Mom". No son that thick paste that I will have to chisel off of you is NOT lotion. I took him to Josh and asked how much he was going to let him use? Josh said "He didn't get any out" REALLY? What's this? "Oh, well maybe he got a little out" Josh said. Then I went into the kitchen to discover banana peels an part of a loaf of bread on the kitchen floor. So...we went to the bathtub to wash off the "motion" and Jensen then decides he really needs to poop... AGH!!! So, I get him out, dried, and clothed. Then, clean the tub. Then about 20 minuted later I am in the recliner feeding Uriah and can't see Jensen but I know he is sitting right next to the recliner in the floor. When I look there are 4 MORE BANANAS peeled and laying in the floor! Josh had left the bunch beside the chair. I thought he had taken them back into the kitchen!

Today is going well. Just as I type this Jensen walks in the living room with a piece of bread. The loaf was on the counter... I'm not even going in there! I am a little scared because I know that this has only just begun!

One down!…2 to go.

In light of the situation that just past (the beginning of pregnancy)…I will take a minute to reflect.
I am officially out of my 1st trimester today and am finally beginning to get some energy and spunk back. But, sadly I have traded that in for alligator skin and a few other not so pleasant symptoms.

My mom was here for a week at the beginning of January and we had a blast. I didn't do one load of laundry and I don't think I cooked anything. You don't have to tell me…I know I have the best mom ever. But, then we had to get back to real life. So...

Last week while rocking J to sleep one night I began to reflect on a few things. Sometimes you realize that there really aren't that many things to get all bent out of shape about and if you look hard enough you can find greater meanings. Let me show you…

1. Having a sticky floor sometimes is ok…it helps sock footed messy faced toddlers have traction while running through the kitchen!

2. Messy faces…which is almost 24/7…that's ok too. That means there was food to eat and if it gets bad enough…maybe a bath. Score for toddler!

3. If you house is like mine then sometimes you can't see the floor for legos, blocks, socks, balls, and other random toys. Contrary to many in older generations…this is ok. It helps your children (and you on occasion) improve upon your balance and coordination! (just be extra careful with the legos…it is possible to end up in the ER…)

4. Occasionally, you may find your child eating something…that you didn't give them…from the trash can. (This has only happened 2 days) After sweeping his mouth and inspecting, I concluded it wasn't anything that would have hurt him. So…it just builds his immune system…big plus!

5. Lastly, I realized (and have been told 1,000 times) that sometimes you just do what you can to get by. I don't let my child have caffeine…but, this week I did give him a drink of my sunkist so my husband and I could eat in peace! He had been drinking his water all day…but, he proceeded to scream because mommy had a cool cup with a straw and it was so much better that his stinking sippy cup! The silver lining…Jensen got to brush his teeth an extra time (which he LOVES) and got a new sippy cup with a straw!

I love how much my little boy is growing and learning. There are new things happening around her daily! J screams and laughs when I get home from work (thankfully only 3 days a week). We play and then as we rock to sleep he loves to drink his milk and turn to face me and jabber for 30 minutes and tell me all about his day (or whatever he is sassing about). It is happening so fast.

Anyway…
The messes are ok mommies. There are silver linings everywhere. Hold your blessings close. The messes can wait. One day you house will be clean and quiet and you will have plenty of time of your hands. It is then you will wish you had messy faces to clean, sticky floors to mop, and toys to pick up. If the fact that my house will never be spotless bothers you then I will see ya in public somewhere because I am busy in here enjoying my baby!

I am perfect...

I have many flaws. These will be easy to see as you get older. Many, I am sure I will be ashamed of…some I can't change. Everyone has them. Everyone has those things they constantly struggle to change and improve. That, I guess, is part of being human.

But, at this moment in time, to you, I am perfect. I have to say this is very humbling. It makes me realize that some things that I consider flaws are petty. To you I hung the moon. In your short year on this Earth I have been able to give you everything you need. I have failed and I have made mistakes…but, you don't know that.

As I rocked you to sleep tonight I cried. I cried because, for now, you won't accept anyone else putting you to sleep. I cried because you won't always need/want me to rock you to sleep. I cried because I am overwhelmed by the love that I am filled with for you. I cried because…I won't always be perfect to you…but, while I am, I will savor every moment. I will be there when you cry. I will try with every fiber in me to meet your every need.

So, even thought my flaws are very visible to almost everyone else, I am proud to be perfect…if only to you.

I love you Baby J.

How is it possible?

How is it possible that J is 9 months old and I am starting to think about his first birthday party. It seems  like just yesterday I was crying in my hospital bed, on Oct. 4th, because I didn't want my simple world to change. Now I would change it all over again and again and again. My how your little soul has changed things!

Maybe it is just because I am tired because he hasn't slept well the last few nights from cutting his second tooth…but, I am super emotional today (sorry Josh). I ran across this article today on Fb. It's like I told her the words to write. There haven't been many days that have passed that I didn't cry for J about something.

Jensen Carter- Some days I hold you and think I would love to have a thousand little yous running around. You bring me so much joy and happiness. I love watching you learn and grow…but, it hurts my heart. Most days though, I think that my heart can't take doing this again. I am so scared for you. I am scared of people hurting you and you feeling inadequate. I want to protect you from everything-always. She said it perfectly in her post when she said it feels a lot like a breaking heart. That is exactly how I would describe it. My heart swells, hurts, stretches, flutters, and aches for you EVERY DAY!

I pray…I pray so hard every day that you will never turn your back on God or your parents…because, sweet boy, we will never turn our backs on you. You have changed our lives in ways we couldn't even dream of. Watching you and your daddy play makes my eyes fill with tears…he loves you more than you will every know, Baby Boy. He is so proud of you and he thinks you are amazing.

I am learning to take one day at a time. I have to. If I don't then I let my emotions take over and I am paralyzed because I am so scared for you in the world. So, while you take a nap I will try to put on happy music and plan your first birthday party and not think too much about the future.

7 month goodies

So, it has been a few weeks. (busy few weeks) But, for my own future reference and other mommies I wanted to post about things we are loving right now.

1. We still LOVE the baby brezza! We took it with us on our trip to Alabama!

2. This may sound silly but J LOVES Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. So, 1st thing in the morning while I get his breakfast stuff together he watches it on the Disney Junior app on my phone….which is what this point is about! love the app. Even if your provider isn't on the list you can still watch one episode of various shows and they change the episode every few weeks or so.

3. I like these spoons to feed him. Simply because they are easy to get the excess off his face. They were a gift. I haven't actually checked their prices. BUT, I am going to order some of these spoons for J to try self feeding.

4. Jensen can't seem to get enough of the Gerber yogurt melts.

5. OK…many moms haven't heard of these but they have been a lifesaver. Just follow the link and be amazed. they are so wonderful! LINK

6. Lastly, he seems to do best with these zippy cups.

We still use his angel care movement monitor most of the time to be sure he is breathing. We got the dual pads bc they cover the whole mattress for when they start moving. We still use receiving blankets constantly because he won't go to sleep unless his face is covered. We still like Huggies for at night and Pampers during the day. (I get Pampers CHEAP through work). I love the diaper rash cream that I make.

We are also trying a baltic amber necklace for all this slobber from teething. I will let ya know what I think!

Until next time

giveaways!

Y'all really need to go check out my FB page. there are TONS of awesome giveaways going on! BabyBrezza, Viva Veltoro, hayneedle, and thrifty nifty mommy! I could spend all night on here! Some of the things I mentioned in my new mommy blog recently are up for grabs! (Like the baby brezza formula pro!!!) GO GO GO!

Let it flow...

I should most definitely be sleeping instead of blogging since I have to get up at 0530. But, as I was laying in bed I could not turn off my mind. Sundays are so tiring for me. I spend 3 hours of the day trying to keep Jensen quiet and happy with little to occupy him during worship services. I feel like we distract everyone around us. I can't tell you the last time I feel like I got to fully participate in a worship service. But, as tiring as it is…I am scared I will miss this all too quickly.

J had his 4 month appointment last week…actually it was closer to 5 months. I sat in the rocker with him tonight as he slept so peacefully in my arms and I couldn't help but think about the fact that we have had him in our arms for almost half of a year! Just 13 months ago we found out about him and 12 months ago we saw him for the very first time. Now he has been here for 5 months. (on the 5th) It feels like he just got here.

My emotions about him are so raw and heavy. I have never felt emotions like these. I am so proud with every new skill he masters then saddened at the same time. I am sad that his tiny foot has now grown to the size of my palm. I am saddened that he is learning to sit up and to hold his own bottle. I was so proud when he first rolled over but that also means he will soon be crawling and it all seems to be going so fast. I don't think I will ever be prepared. I wasn't prepared to get pregnant. I wasn't prepared to be a mother or give birth. I am not prepared for him to grow up.

I don't look forward to the day that when I lean up against the bathroom counter that my incision isn't tender anymore. That thin 6 inch scar that reminds me that I had life growing inside me. I don't look forward to him not wanting me to hold him and rock him. I know he will not always need me and that makes me sad. Tonight as I laid him down, and he woke up immediately and cried, I stood there thinking about him getting older and not needing me to simply come and whisper to him and pat his diaper and make his world ok. I love that sometimes just picking him up puts him right back to sleep…not a bottle, not a song…just me. So, on the nights that he ends up in bed with us because he just won't stop crying…I do not feel bad. Josh and I understand that this will pass all too quickly. We do look forward to the days when it will be just us again because Lord willing that will mean grandchildren will soon follow…but, these memories will linger and sting a little.

So, for now I will inhale him a little deeper, snuggle him a little longer, and hold on to every moment.

New/Expecting Mommies

I have learned so much over the last 4 months! I have learned a new love that I have never known until I became a mommy. I loved J before I knew his gender (when he was born. Yes, we were one of the "crazy" couples who didn't want to know. I loved it. Yes, you CAN go without finding out. People used to do it ALL the time. end of rant lol) I have found a deeper love for my husband. And I have learned there are a lot of unnecessary accoutrements (haha, I have never typed that word) that come along with babies and there are LOTS that I LOVE!

Some things we have very much relied on are these bottles! When I had to stop breast feeding they were a life saver. We bought ATLEAST 10 different types of bottles and these worked amazingly. I am getting tired of all the pieces, so I tried a different brand and he refused. High maintenance baby haha!

One thing I probably would not buy again but works amazingly is this swing thingy. He hated regular swings but loved to be laid on his back and bounced up and down. Your arms tire so quickly and you can't lay him on your legs and do it…he screams. So, it was a lifesaver…and if you get gift cards it would probably be worth it to all moms.

Swaddlers were a must until he started rolling over. He has WILD arms that would just flap around and wake him up constantly! These were my favorite brand. We got them at target. He consistently busted out of the SleepSak brand.

Playmats are so helpful! J plays on his probably about 2-3 hours a day! Specific brands probably don't matter.

Diapers…you will always have arguments with other moms. We like Huggies little snugglers bc they have what we call the "Safety Strap" along the top of the back. (you know, for blow outs) But, I get Pampers really cheap through work. So, we only use Huggies at night.

These pacis work best if you are breastfeeding bc they help with suck training. We have swapped since he is on formula now.

This carseat cover was a lifesaver for nosy people wanting to peek and touch on your new baby. Especially if they were born during cold/flu season like Jensen. Not to mention I got mine free (just paid shipping). These people also make a nursing pillow, a sling, and an nursing cover. They have codes and coupons everywhere for the same deal where you only pay shipping.

This sleeper was nice while J had bad reflux. It is so portable! But, you can only use is until they start rolling over.

I tried 2-3 different breast pumps. This was my ultimate favorite brand! It was SO efficient. You can adjust the speed AND suction and use it with one or two pumps. I LOVED it. I could pump off 4oz. in less than 2 minutes most of the time. While on nursing stuff…I used disposable nursing pads bc the flannel ones would stick to my skin if I leaked at all…and it hurt SO bad taking them off. Get 3-5 soft (no underwire) nursing bras. Also get nursing tops/pjs. I lived in pj's for about 2 weeks.

I have a Moby wrap but I haven't mastered using it by myself yet haha! I like this one I got at Marshalls that just snaps on.

I don't have a preference for carseats. I have this set from Baby Trend. We are looking at a convertible carseat from Britax that will last until he doesn't need a seat anymore. Britax has the best ratings and can go from newborn to like 70lbs or something!

I saved the best for last. When we were doing our baby registry I saw one of these and said they were the dumbest most expensive things ever. Well, then we went to TN and I had to stop breastfeeding (long story) and went to formula. We had gift cards from a shower there so I told Josh I wanted this on our doorstep when we got home. Are you ready?! HERE IT IS! When J wakes up he is screaming wondering why there isn't a bottle ALREADY in his mouth! This makes a bottle in like 15 seconds!

Also, you can ever have enough receiving blankets. J was SO bad with projectile vomit for a month or two that I used those to cover me instead of using burp rags. Get lots of sheets and mattress covers for spit ups and blow outs. Footie pj's are amazing. A lot of days J never changes out of his. We also haven't gotten very much use out of our mobile over the crib.

EVERY BABY IS DIFFERENT! So, you will have to learn your baby. But, some babies will have some things in common so this may help! Any other questions…just ask. I have probably tried it! lol!

10 pet peeves

These will probably seem silly to you. Your daddy thinks they are too :)

1. I hate toe fuzzies. This has been an issue since I was tiny! I can't stand to have fuzz in between my toes.

2. I like all of my bottles in the shower to be facing the same way.

3. I can't stand to cook in a dirty kitchen. Anywhere! It is like I stand there incapable of doing anything until the kitchen is cleaned.

4. I want things in their place. This has drastically changed since you came along. You still need a lot of attention so the house is usually a little scattered.

5. I have to have things organized before I start a project or work. (sort of like the kitchen).

6. I hate losing things (I know…who in their right mind enjoys that?) But, when I lose something it drives me crazy! I will literally almost not be able to focus on anything else until I find it. We lost one of your blankets a while back and I think about it several times a day still. The only thing we can figure out is that you kicked it out of your carseat somewhere and we didn't see it.

7. I need to know how things work. That is why I became a nurse!

8. Unfinished projects drive me bananas! Example: your room is STILL in need of chair rail…I think about it every time I walk by your door!

9. I hate long toenails.

10. I always want to be the one checking the mail :) Maybe that isn't a pet peeve just a request :)

10 People

10 people who have influenced you and how.

1. My mother. She was my first love and role model. I have always (well probably not ALWAYS) wanted to be like her. She is a wonderful example of a Christian wife and mother. She has always put her husband first and that is how a marriage should be.

2. Your daddy. He has loved me unconditionally and always supported me. He makes me want to be a better person, Christian, wife, and mother. He has taught me patience and has encouraged me to accomplish so many things. I try to be like him in so many ways. Even after 13 years I am still falling in love with him and learning new things about him!

3. Rebekah Watford. She was my best friend since I was a little girl. She and I have SO MANY fun memories. Every child deserves a friendship like ours. She is a beautiful woman with a great heart!

4. Erika Bell. She is amazing! She has also been a big driving force behind me accomplishing a lot of things. She puts so much passion into her works. I long to have the same drive and desire.

5. Jerry Hudson. She taught my mother the gospel. My mother in turn taught me, my grandparents, and my brother. Little did she know how far her evangelism would go.

6. James and Reba Horn. This couple took Josh and I in when we first got married. We married and moved to Lineville, AL. This couple took us out to eat lunch EVERY Sunday and they loved us as if we were their own grandchildren. They still cry every time we leave after we visit them.

7. Sarah Blackwell. She has been one of my best friends since we moved to TX. She has taught me to look at things from all perspectives. She is a great Christian mother and wife. There are so many qualities she possesses that I yearn to master in my life. She is such a strong Christian.

8. I will not name these people. But, there are a few people in my life that have treated me negatively…because of this they made a big impact on how I treat others. They influenced me to be a better person and to be careful at how I treat others.

9. Kayla Moore. She is actually the reason I am doing this. I saw it on her blog. She is a friend I met in college. We were able to hang out quite a bit the first few semesters. She is a wonderful woman. She loves God and her family. She is very passionate and determined. She has taught me a lot of things about life and especially about raising you, J! She is always trying to better herself and I admire that!

10. Deborah Heck. She is one of the most wonderful Christian women I have ever met. (and I have only met her once) I met her at a Christian Camp and then we became Facebook friends. She is always trying to better herself and others. She loves doing things for others. She is always praying for others and loves her family with every thread of her being. I hope I am as wonderful of a mother and wife as she is!

5 passions

this one seems kind of boring…

1. Being the best christian I can be
2. Making you two happy
3. nursing
4. sewing and photography…crafts in general
5. Disney

I like some history. It has to be pretty intriguing…and typically I am more interested if it is hands on. Like, if I can physically see or touch things.

Short list but tonight was my 1st of three 12 hour shift days…so, I need some rest :)

Dream Job

What is my dream job and why.

This might be a long intro…
Well, I have never been the kind that believed in fate. I wasn't raised to believe that God only made one person on the whole earth who I was supposed to be with forever. There are a lot of holes in that belief if you ask me. I have never been the kind who has always wanted to be this or that. I haven't always wanted to be a nurse or a mother.

When I was a junior in high school we began seeing the guidance councilor about our plans after school. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I "grew up". But, I did know I liked math and science and that there was a demand for nurses. So, I thought about it and came to the conclusion that I could be happy doing that. Well, here I am! I LOVE being a nurse. I love that nursing is kind of like a mystery or a puzzle. Everything works together to intricately (my God is AWESOME!) and to figure out how to fix a certain problem can be a challenge. I do enjoy helping others, but to be honest that is not why I got into nursing. I was drawn in by the science of figuring out how things work.

Now, all that being said…that is no longer my dream job. I am living my dream job. I am a wife and a mother FIRST. Before I am a nurse, I am a Christian, Wife, and Mother. I am not the kind that always NEEDED children. I am not the kind who couldn't be complete without kids. But, now that you are here, I realize how much I LOVE being a mother. Being your mother has made me fall farther in love with your father and LOVE being his wife so much more. Making you two happy and helping us get to heaven is my dream job.

3 wishes...

Hmmm…If I could have 3 wishes…

1. I would want everyone to hear the gospel. Everyone would have equal opportunity. What they did with it would be their choice…but, they would have heard.

2. I would never want to lose anyone I love. Which wouldn't make sense bc I don't want to die before hem bc I wouldn't want them to be sad over me. Vicious circle.

3. I never want anyone to hurt you. Which also could have bad consequences because sometimes that is what it takes to build character. But, the thought of someone hurting you physically or emotionally breaks my heart. I always want to be able to protect you. The love I have for you is so new to me. It isn't like a love for my mother or my love for your father. It is totally different, not more…just different. It is a protective love. I am so proud of you and proud to have you. I am so blessed.

5 things….

The  5 things that make me most happy right now. (in no particular order)

1. Your daddy. He has been making me happy for years now! I love watching him watch you. I love watching him smile when you smile or do new things. Yesterday we took a video of you laughing in your Johnny Jumper and he has watched it probably 10 times and just grinned and laughed. He loves you so much and that makes me happy.

2. You. You make me happy. You are currently laying on your play mat and cooing and trying to roll over. I love watching you discover new things. You laugh warms me and your smile is so big! I have never known a love like this one. We are so proud of you. You make us happy.

3. Prayer. I am happy I have to ability to talk to God about my reservations about being a mother and many other things. Sometimes I feel very inadequate and unprepared. Talking to Him helps calm me. I know I will never be perfect, but I will always strive to be. I want to be the mother you need. Remember, even when you feel like nobody is there, we will always be there. If the Lord calls us home  He is there for you. You are NEVER alone.

4. My job. I love my job. I love helping others and making them feel better. I love that I am always learning. I like the science of it all. Some days are miserable and exhausting mentally, physically, and emotionally. Still, I am happy to finally be nursing.

5. There are also a lot of little things that also make me happy. Technology that makes things easier…like your bottle maker, your swing, the diaper genie, cell phones, and the internet. Kit Kats, sparkling strawberry lemonade, and white chocolate mochas make me happy. These are very trivial things that don't amount to a hill of beans in the end. The happiness I get from these last things fade quickly. Material things don't make you happy Baby J. Remember that. Don't let "things" govern your happiness.

I love you!

hard one

10 things you would tell your 16 year old self.

1. Mom is right when she says "Nothing good happens after 9 o'clock. Thats why your curfew was 9:30. (even though she fights to the death that it wasn't)

2. You are going to fail at things. That's ok.

3. Not everything will go as planned the first time you try it. You will overcome your fears and try college again. You will succeed with flying colors. You will be Ashley BSN, RN

4. You will marry Josh. Take it slow.

5. Not everything is a big deal. Don't blow things out of proportion.

6. Respect your parents and Josh's parents. They will be your in-laws. You will love them and they will love you.

7. Not everyone you meet will like you. That is their loss.

8. You will have you spiritual lulls. Keep praying and studying. You will work through them.

9. Spend more time with your mom and brother. You will miss them so much when you leave home. And one day you will live in TX and it will be hard to live so far away when your baby brother is growing up.

10. Always try your best and always love the Lord.

Marriage

Day 3. Describe your relationship with your spouse.

Well, J, daddy and I have been together a long time. 13 years! Your daddy took me on my very first date. We went to eat at our favorite restaurant, Los Portales, and then played putt-putt. After that daddy took me back to my house and there was a surprise 16th birthday party there for me!

Your daddy and I said "I love you" pretty early in the relationship. I believe we did love each other as much as two 16 year olds could love each other. But, it pales to how I love your daddy now. Your daddy is one of my heroes and I am his biggest fan. He has always supported and encouraged me. We believe in each other. I respect your daddy so much. He does so much for our little family. Your daddy does a wonderful job at leading our family. I do my best to be a godly submissive wife. (I had a great teacher in your grandma Vicki.) Your daddy and I rarely disagree about things and have never raised our voice to one another. We have already agreed to not fight in front of you. And stand behind each other when decisions are made. If we don't agree we will discuss those things in private.

 We love you SO much baby J, but we will always put each other first. I hope you will learn to do the same when you meet the one you choose to spend your life with. Lord willing you will have that opportunity and choose a God fearing spouse. I am not ready to think about this very much because right now nobody can love you like you need to be loved except me. But, I pray somewhere out there a mommy and daddy and praying these same things food their little girl, who will be your wife.

Baby J, you are expected to be the head of your home and do everything in your power to help them get to heaven. You need to be the leader in your home but, always respect your wife's opinion. You will be a team. Things won't always be easy. But, marriage is a fun journey!

3 fears.

I dread writing this one because I am going to feel so vulnerable. But, even though you may think so right now, I am not perfect. You will never be perfect. You will have fears and I pray God allows me to stay around long enough to help you overcome them.

1. I fear failure

I was always hard on myself in school with academics. I wanted to win EVERY spelling bee and make the highest grade on every test and get done with every multiplication quiz first. I wanted to do things "right". I hated the thought of ever disappointing my mother and this was a driving force a lot of my childhood. I wanted to be like her. I definitely haven't failed at that! I am constantly finding ways me and your Grandma Vicki are alike!
Anyway, I remember getting my first C and D on a test and feeling like a failure. I remember failing my first college course and being devastated. I remember being told I couldn't return to the private college I was at because I had failed a class. I thought my world was OVER! This is why it took me 4 years to go back to school. My fear of failure was so strong. But, your dad was my biggest fan and pushed me so hard! With lots of love, support, and hard work your mommy is now a nurse!
I struggle a lot with being scared of failing as a Christian, wife, and mother. But, I think most moms do!

2. I fear change

I was so scared to go to college and still remember the heart crushing look on my mother's face as I drove away. I remember crying the whole 2 hour drive. I remember talking to her 6+ times a day. I remember not knowing how I was going to make it without her…here creeps in that fear of failure again.
Then I was scared of the HUGE change of getting married. I was so excited, but it was a big change. I would be living 7 hours away from family. (This turns out to be one of the best decisions we could have made because we learned to rely on one another).
I was nervous about the change of moving to TX. I flat out did not want to. But, I told your daddy I trusted him and would support whatever decision he thought was best for us. We are still here almost 5 years later.
You were the biggest change so far! And I have never been so scared or felt so inadequate in my whole life. I probably always will. But, I am trying and that will NEVER change!

3. I fear losing loved ones

This is one I can't think about for too long. It is a legitimate WORRY if I don't concentrate hard to control my mind. I don't like thinking about having to live my life without some very special people. Maybe I will expound on this later…but, I con't let my mind go there tonight.

A few other fears include: lighthouses, spiders, crunching bugs, haunted houses, potatoes with eyes, etc.

Baby J, you will have fears. But, always remember that there is always The Great Comforter you can rely on.

(I had 4 hours of sleep so overlook the grammatical errors.)

Learning about Mommy (for Baby J)

I saw this on a friend's blog and loved the idea! These are a list of things for Jensen to read one day and learn about his mom. I am going to try to have Josh do them also. As I sit typing and looking at him on the monitor…I pray one day he will know how deeply I love him, his father, and his Father.  

Here's the List :
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears 
3. Describe your relationship with your spouse. 
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. What’s the hardest part of growing up?
14. Describe 5 and weaknesses strengths you have.
15. Describe when you knew your spouse was the one or how I fell in love.
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What do you think your spouse loves most about you?
19. How did you feel the moment you became a parent?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. Describe your relationship with your parents.
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. What’s your favorite holiday and why?
24. What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about parenthood?
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What’s your favorite quality in your spouse?
29. What are your hopes and dreams for your prosperity?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

So, day one:
1. I can't cook in a dirty kitchen
2. I don't like fuzzes in-between my toes
3. I usually wear children's size shoes
4. I am most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans (no shoes)
5. Your dad took me on my first date
6. I wrecked grandma's car when I was 15
7. I had eye surgery when I was 9 months old because my left eye was crossed (so, I wore glasses for many years)
8. I went to school with Justin Timberlake (you probably will have to google him by the time you care to read this!)
9. I don't really like roller coasters
10. I LOVE Disney World!
11. I scratch when I am tired (my head, my back, you daddy's head)
12. I pick when I am stressed or worried (usually at my arms)
13. I do not like change, but I am trying to learn how to better adjust
14. I count a lot. (I count steps and rhythmic noises…I should stop bc I will sound really weird)
15. I played softball in the 4th grade. Then again the year you were born for a co-ed city league
16. I never skipped school in HS
17. I never went to a school dance or prom
18. I hate shopping for clothes (for myself). I love shopping for you and your dad!
19. I prefer the winter and I LOVE snow!
20. I like to write but don't like to read for pleasure. 

I am thinking about putting these in a shutter fly book or something.

I love you Baby J. 

10 weeks of lessons!

I write this to mothers-to-be, mothers, and people who know a mother!

99% of the people I have talked to have told me everything I feel/have felt is normal. But, I have never had hormone problems and adjustment problems like I have in the last 10 weeks. The things I am writing are absolutely not true for EVERYONE…but, they are for the majority of women. These are some lessons I have learned…I don't know how many I will end up with bc I am just going to let them roll…

1. YOU WILL NEVER BE PREPARED! You will never be prepared for the amount of change you will endure…physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I am a type A personality. I want to be organized and prepared for EVERYTHING. I have pinterest boards, notebooks, and literature galore that I read to try to get ready for this change and while a lot of it helped…it didn't touch the surface.

2. Something WILL go wrong. Whether you wanted to go natural and med free and end up with a c-section…or you want NO pain meds and end up with an epidural…or you want to breastfeed and have problems…NOTHING will be perfect!

3. There will be people who make you feel inadequate. There are people who look at you like you are crazy when you tell them how you are feeling. They are the rare exception… Most women have been exactly where you are and have felt what you feel… Too many women don't talk about these things and do new mothers an injustice. (Maybe they are ashamed, as I have been…or maybe they just don't remember) We need to be prepared for the feelings we will have and know that they are OK and NORMAL!

4. While I am on feelings… You will resent your child for taking your freedom and taking time away from your husband. You will wish things were "back to normal". You will get mad at your child. You will get mad because your husband is still 'normal'. You will get mad when he goes and does 'fun' things while you are left with a screaming baby. You will get mad at yourself for feeling these things! There will be times you DON'T enjoy motherhood! I sat and cried all day because Jensen would leave home one day. The next day I sat and cried because if something happened to me Josh and Jensen would be left without a mother/wife. You will think you are losing your mind….give it a few weeks and say lots of prayers.

5. You will have major body changes…I will not elaborate on this one too much in case men read this…but, there are MANY things people (and nursing textbooks in my case) don't tell you! Maybe another blog post for that!

6. You won't get much done the first 10 weeks. I spent the first 8 weeks in the recliner. He slept on my chest or in my arms…it was just easier. There were days I didn't brush my hair or teeth (gross, I know). You will push your bladder to the max because you don't want to wake a FINALLY sleeping baby!

7. While on that topic. ACCEPT help. Actually…let me stop a minute…If you know someone who has just had a baby don't OFFER your help…GIVE IT!!! Don't let it be a choice/option…they will probably not call you and ask because of #3. We feel like we are supposed to be able to handle everything flawlessly bc all other mothers do, right?! NO!!! All other mothers DON'T handle it flawlessly…THEY JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT IT!!! That is why I am blogging this!!! I appreciate so much the people who stopped by without asking and leaving food. I appreciate my sister-in-law saying she was coming to help clean! I appreciate my mother and mother-in-law coming and helping…this gave me time to learn and bond with my baby and not have to worry about the house. So, call the lady and say "Hey, I am coming over to clean your bathrooms, kitchen….whatever".

8. You will adjust to less sleep!

9. Make your own rules. My baby sleeps with us. (I know, shame on us!) I DON'T CARE WHAT THE BOOKS SAY. This works for us. I wasn't going to give him a pacifier either… He is currently in the bassinet in front of me sucking away on one! YOU ARE THIS CHILD'S MOTHER…NOBODY ELSE! Yes, advice can be very helpful…but, in the end that child is YOUR responsibility…and YOU are raising them.

10. You will know a love like no other. When you see that first intentional smile…it helps erase the frustration…if only for a minute. Snuggle them, kiss them, hug them, and love them. You know they won't be that little forever…nobody needs to remind you of that.

Motherhood is STILL not easy for me. I still have daily selfish pity parties. I still get frustrated with Jensen. Things HAVE gotten better. He has been hard to feed since day one! Everyone says 12 weeks is when things usually get better…I am counting the days! I am not wishing them away by any means…but, I am anxiously awaiting them! I should try and get a nap because he will be up again in an hour or so...