Let it flow...

I should most definitely be sleeping instead of blogging since I have to get up at 0530. But, as I was laying in bed I could not turn off my mind. Sundays are so tiring for me. I spend 3 hours of the day trying to keep Jensen quiet and happy with little to occupy him during worship services. I feel like we distract everyone around us. I can't tell you the last time I feel like I got to fully participate in a worship service. But, as tiring as it is…I am scared I will miss this all too quickly.

J had his 4 month appointment last week…actually it was closer to 5 months. I sat in the rocker with him tonight as he slept so peacefully in my arms and I couldn't help but think about the fact that we have had him in our arms for almost half of a year! Just 13 months ago we found out about him and 12 months ago we saw him for the very first time. Now he has been here for 5 months. (on the 5th) It feels like he just got here.

My emotions about him are so raw and heavy. I have never felt emotions like these. I am so proud with every new skill he masters then saddened at the same time. I am sad that his tiny foot has now grown to the size of my palm. I am saddened that he is learning to sit up and to hold his own bottle. I was so proud when he first rolled over but that also means he will soon be crawling and it all seems to be going so fast. I don't think I will ever be prepared. I wasn't prepared to get pregnant. I wasn't prepared to be a mother or give birth. I am not prepared for him to grow up.

I don't look forward to the day that when I lean up against the bathroom counter that my incision isn't tender anymore. That thin 6 inch scar that reminds me that I had life growing inside me. I don't look forward to him not wanting me to hold him and rock him. I know he will not always need me and that makes me sad. Tonight as I laid him down, and he woke up immediately and cried, I stood there thinking about him getting older and not needing me to simply come and whisper to him and pat his diaper and make his world ok. I love that sometimes just picking him up puts him right back to sleep…not a bottle, not a song…just me. So, on the nights that he ends up in bed with us because he just won't stop crying…I do not feel bad. Josh and I understand that this will pass all too quickly. We do look forward to the days when it will be just us again because Lord willing that will mean grandchildren will soon follow…but, these memories will linger and sting a little.

So, for now I will inhale him a little deeper, snuggle him a little longer, and hold on to every moment.