I am perfect...

I have many flaws. These will be easy to see as you get older. Many, I am sure I will be ashamed of…some I can't change. Everyone has them. Everyone has those things they constantly struggle to change and improve. That, I guess, is part of being human.

But, at this moment in time, to you, I am perfect. I have to say this is very humbling. It makes me realize that some things that I consider flaws are petty. To you I hung the moon. In your short year on this Earth I have been able to give you everything you need. I have failed and I have made mistakes…but, you don't know that.

As I rocked you to sleep tonight I cried. I cried because, for now, you won't accept anyone else putting you to sleep. I cried because you won't always need/want me to rock you to sleep. I cried because I am overwhelmed by the love that I am filled with for you. I cried because…I won't always be perfect to you…but, while I am, I will savor every moment. I will be there when you cry. I will try with every fiber in me to meet your every need.

So, even thought my flaws are very visible to almost everyone else, I am proud to be perfect…if only to you.

I love you Baby J.

How is it possible?

How is it possible that J is 9 months old and I am starting to think about his first birthday party. It seems  like just yesterday I was crying in my hospital bed, on Oct. 4th, because I didn't want my simple world to change. Now I would change it all over again and again and again. My how your little soul has changed things!

Maybe it is just because I am tired because he hasn't slept well the last few nights from cutting his second tooth…but, I am super emotional today (sorry Josh). I ran across this article today on Fb. It's like I told her the words to write. There haven't been many days that have passed that I didn't cry for J about something.

Jensen Carter- Some days I hold you and think I would love to have a thousand little yous running around. You bring me so much joy and happiness. I love watching you learn and grow…but, it hurts my heart. Most days though, I think that my heart can't take doing this again. I am so scared for you. I am scared of people hurting you and you feeling inadequate. I want to protect you from everything-always. She said it perfectly in her post when she said it feels a lot like a breaking heart. That is exactly how I would describe it. My heart swells, hurts, stretches, flutters, and aches for you EVERY DAY!

I pray…I pray so hard every day that you will never turn your back on God or your parents…because, sweet boy, we will never turn our backs on you. You have changed our lives in ways we couldn't even dream of. Watching you and your daddy play makes my eyes fill with tears…he loves you more than you will every know, Baby Boy. He is so proud of you and he thinks you are amazing.

I am learning to take one day at a time. I have to. If I don't then I let my emotions take over and I am paralyzed because I am so scared for you in the world. So, while you take a nap I will try to put on happy music and plan your first birthday party and not think too much about the future.

7 month goodies

So, it has been a few weeks. (busy few weeks) But, for my own future reference and other mommies I wanted to post about things we are loving right now.

1. We still LOVE the baby brezza! We took it with us on our trip to Alabama!

2. This may sound silly but J LOVES Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. So, 1st thing in the morning while I get his breakfast stuff together he watches it on the Disney Junior app on my phone….which is what this point is about! love the app. Even if your provider isn't on the list you can still watch one episode of various shows and they change the episode every few weeks or so.

3. I like these spoons to feed him. Simply because they are easy to get the excess off his face. They were a gift. I haven't actually checked their prices. BUT, I am going to order some of these spoons for J to try self feeding.

4. Jensen can't seem to get enough of the Gerber yogurt melts.

5. OK…many moms haven't heard of these but they have been a lifesaver. Just follow the link and be amazed. they are so wonderful! LINK

6. Lastly, he seems to do best with these zippy cups.

We still use his angel care movement monitor most of the time to be sure he is breathing. We got the dual pads bc they cover the whole mattress for when they start moving. We still use receiving blankets constantly because he won't go to sleep unless his face is covered. We still like Huggies for at night and Pampers during the day. (I get Pampers CHEAP through work). I love the diaper rash cream that I make.

We are also trying a baltic amber necklace for all this slobber from teething. I will let ya know what I think!

Until next time

giveaways!

Y'all really need to go check out my FB page. there are TONS of awesome giveaways going on! BabyBrezza, Viva Veltoro, hayneedle, and thrifty nifty mommy! I could spend all night on here! Some of the things I mentioned in my new mommy blog recently are up for grabs! (Like the baby brezza formula pro!!!) GO GO GO!

Let it flow...

I should most definitely be sleeping instead of blogging since I have to get up at 0530. But, as I was laying in bed I could not turn off my mind. Sundays are so tiring for me. I spend 3 hours of the day trying to keep Jensen quiet and happy with little to occupy him during worship services. I feel like we distract everyone around us. I can't tell you the last time I feel like I got to fully participate in a worship service. But, as tiring as it is…I am scared I will miss this all too quickly.

J had his 4 month appointment last week…actually it was closer to 5 months. I sat in the rocker with him tonight as he slept so peacefully in my arms and I couldn't help but think about the fact that we have had him in our arms for almost half of a year! Just 13 months ago we found out about him and 12 months ago we saw him for the very first time. Now he has been here for 5 months. (on the 5th) It feels like he just got here.

My emotions about him are so raw and heavy. I have never felt emotions like these. I am so proud with every new skill he masters then saddened at the same time. I am sad that his tiny foot has now grown to the size of my palm. I am saddened that he is learning to sit up and to hold his own bottle. I was so proud when he first rolled over but that also means he will soon be crawling and it all seems to be going so fast. I don't think I will ever be prepared. I wasn't prepared to get pregnant. I wasn't prepared to be a mother or give birth. I am not prepared for him to grow up.

I don't look forward to the day that when I lean up against the bathroom counter that my incision isn't tender anymore. That thin 6 inch scar that reminds me that I had life growing inside me. I don't look forward to him not wanting me to hold him and rock him. I know he will not always need me and that makes me sad. Tonight as I laid him down, and he woke up immediately and cried, I stood there thinking about him getting older and not needing me to simply come and whisper to him and pat his diaper and make his world ok. I love that sometimes just picking him up puts him right back to sleep…not a bottle, not a song…just me. So, on the nights that he ends up in bed with us because he just won't stop crying…I do not feel bad. Josh and I understand that this will pass all too quickly. We do look forward to the days when it will be just us again because Lord willing that will mean grandchildren will soon follow…but, these memories will linger and sting a little.

So, for now I will inhale him a little deeper, snuggle him a little longer, and hold on to every moment.

New/Expecting Mommies

I have learned so much over the last 4 months! I have learned a new love that I have never known until I became a mommy. I loved J before I knew his gender (when he was born. Yes, we were one of the "crazy" couples who didn't want to know. I loved it. Yes, you CAN go without finding out. People used to do it ALL the time. end of rant lol) I have found a deeper love for my husband. And I have learned there are a lot of unnecessary accoutrements (haha, I have never typed that word) that come along with babies and there are LOTS that I LOVE!

Some things we have very much relied on are these bottles! When I had to stop breast feeding they were a life saver. We bought ATLEAST 10 different types of bottles and these worked amazingly. I am getting tired of all the pieces, so I tried a different brand and he refused. High maintenance baby haha!

One thing I probably would not buy again but works amazingly is this swing thingy. He hated regular swings but loved to be laid on his back and bounced up and down. Your arms tire so quickly and you can't lay him on your legs and do it…he screams. So, it was a lifesaver…and if you get gift cards it would probably be worth it to all moms.

Swaddlers were a must until he started rolling over. He has WILD arms that would just flap around and wake him up constantly! These were my favorite brand. We got them at target. He consistently busted out of the SleepSak brand.

Playmats are so helpful! J plays on his probably about 2-3 hours a day! Specific brands probably don't matter.

Diapers…you will always have arguments with other moms. We like Huggies little snugglers bc they have what we call the "Safety Strap" along the top of the back. (you know, for blow outs) But, I get Pampers really cheap through work. So, we only use Huggies at night.

These pacis work best if you are breastfeeding bc they help with suck training. We have swapped since he is on formula now.

This carseat cover was a lifesaver for nosy people wanting to peek and touch on your new baby. Especially if they were born during cold/flu season like Jensen. Not to mention I got mine free (just paid shipping). These people also make a nursing pillow, a sling, and an nursing cover. They have codes and coupons everywhere for the same deal where you only pay shipping.

This sleeper was nice while J had bad reflux. It is so portable! But, you can only use is until they start rolling over.

I tried 2-3 different breast pumps. This was my ultimate favorite brand! It was SO efficient. You can adjust the speed AND suction and use it with one or two pumps. I LOVED it. I could pump off 4oz. in less than 2 minutes most of the time. While on nursing stuff…I used disposable nursing pads bc the flannel ones would stick to my skin if I leaked at all…and it hurt SO bad taking them off. Get 3-5 soft (no underwire) nursing bras. Also get nursing tops/pjs. I lived in pj's for about 2 weeks.

I have a Moby wrap but I haven't mastered using it by myself yet haha! I like this one I got at Marshalls that just snaps on.

I don't have a preference for carseats. I have this set from Baby Trend. We are looking at a convertible carseat from Britax that will last until he doesn't need a seat anymore. Britax has the best ratings and can go from newborn to like 70lbs or something!

I saved the best for last. When we were doing our baby registry I saw one of these and said they were the dumbest most expensive things ever. Well, then we went to TN and I had to stop breastfeeding (long story) and went to formula. We had gift cards from a shower there so I told Josh I wanted this on our doorstep when we got home. Are you ready?! HERE IT IS! When J wakes up he is screaming wondering why there isn't a bottle ALREADY in his mouth! This makes a bottle in like 15 seconds!

Also, you can ever have enough receiving blankets. J was SO bad with projectile vomit for a month or two that I used those to cover me instead of using burp rags. Get lots of sheets and mattress covers for spit ups and blow outs. Footie pj's are amazing. A lot of days J never changes out of his. We also haven't gotten very much use out of our mobile over the crib.

EVERY BABY IS DIFFERENT! So, you will have to learn your baby. But, some babies will have some things in common so this may help! Any other questions…just ask. I have probably tried it! lol!

10 pet peeves

These will probably seem silly to you. Your daddy thinks they are too :)

1. I hate toe fuzzies. This has been an issue since I was tiny! I can't stand to have fuzz in between my toes.

2. I like all of my bottles in the shower to be facing the same way.

3. I can't stand to cook in a dirty kitchen. Anywhere! It is like I stand there incapable of doing anything until the kitchen is cleaned.

4. I want things in their place. This has drastically changed since you came along. You still need a lot of attention so the house is usually a little scattered.

5. I have to have things organized before I start a project or work. (sort of like the kitchen).

6. I hate losing things (I know…who in their right mind enjoys that?) But, when I lose something it drives me crazy! I will literally almost not be able to focus on anything else until I find it. We lost one of your blankets a while back and I think about it several times a day still. The only thing we can figure out is that you kicked it out of your carseat somewhere and we didn't see it.

7. I need to know how things work. That is why I became a nurse!

8. Unfinished projects drive me bananas! Example: your room is STILL in need of chair rail…I think about it every time I walk by your door!

9. I hate long toenails.

10. I always want to be the one checking the mail :) Maybe that isn't a pet peeve just a request :)

10 People

10 people who have influenced you and how.

1. My mother. She was my first love and role model. I have always (well probably not ALWAYS) wanted to be like her. She is a wonderful example of a Christian wife and mother. She has always put her husband first and that is how a marriage should be.

2. Your daddy. He has loved me unconditionally and always supported me. He makes me want to be a better person, Christian, wife, and mother. He has taught me patience and has encouraged me to accomplish so many things. I try to be like him in so many ways. Even after 13 years I am still falling in love with him and learning new things about him!

3. Rebekah Watford. She was my best friend since I was a little girl. She and I have SO MANY fun memories. Every child deserves a friendship like ours. She is a beautiful woman with a great heart!

4. Erika Bell. She is amazing! She has also been a big driving force behind me accomplishing a lot of things. She puts so much passion into her works. I long to have the same drive and desire.

5. Jerry Hudson. She taught my mother the gospel. My mother in turn taught me, my grandparents, and my brother. Little did she know how far her evangelism would go.

6. James and Reba Horn. This couple took Josh and I in when we first got married. We married and moved to Lineville, AL. This couple took us out to eat lunch EVERY Sunday and they loved us as if we were their own grandchildren. They still cry every time we leave after we visit them.

7. Sarah Blackwell. She has been one of my best friends since we moved to TX. She has taught me to look at things from all perspectives. She is a great Christian mother and wife. There are so many qualities she possesses that I yearn to master in my life. She is such a strong Christian.

8. I will not name these people. But, there are a few people in my life that have treated me negatively…because of this they made a big impact on how I treat others. They influenced me to be a better person and to be careful at how I treat others.

9. Kayla Moore. She is actually the reason I am doing this. I saw it on her blog. She is a friend I met in college. We were able to hang out quite a bit the first few semesters. She is a wonderful woman. She loves God and her family. She is very passionate and determined. She has taught me a lot of things about life and especially about raising you, J! She is always trying to better herself and I admire that!

10. Deborah Heck. She is one of the most wonderful Christian women I have ever met. (and I have only met her once) I met her at a Christian Camp and then we became Facebook friends. She is always trying to better herself and others. She loves doing things for others. She is always praying for others and loves her family with every thread of her being. I hope I am as wonderful of a mother and wife as she is!

5 passions

this one seems kind of boring…

1. Being the best christian I can be
2. Making you two happy
3. nursing
4. sewing and photography…crafts in general
5. Disney

I like some history. It has to be pretty intriguing…and typically I am more interested if it is hands on. Like, if I can physically see or touch things.

Short list but tonight was my 1st of three 12 hour shift days…so, I need some rest :)

Dream Job

What is my dream job and why.

This might be a long intro…
Well, I have never been the kind that believed in fate. I wasn't raised to believe that God only made one person on the whole earth who I was supposed to be with forever. There are a lot of holes in that belief if you ask me. I have never been the kind who has always wanted to be this or that. I haven't always wanted to be a nurse or a mother.

When I was a junior in high school we began seeing the guidance councilor about our plans after school. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I "grew up". But, I did know I liked math and science and that there was a demand for nurses. So, I thought about it and came to the conclusion that I could be happy doing that. Well, here I am! I LOVE being a nurse. I love that nursing is kind of like a mystery or a puzzle. Everything works together to intricately (my God is AWESOME!) and to figure out how to fix a certain problem can be a challenge. I do enjoy helping others, but to be honest that is not why I got into nursing. I was drawn in by the science of figuring out how things work.

Now, all that being said…that is no longer my dream job. I am living my dream job. I am a wife and a mother FIRST. Before I am a nurse, I am a Christian, Wife, and Mother. I am not the kind that always NEEDED children. I am not the kind who couldn't be complete without kids. But, now that you are here, I realize how much I LOVE being a mother. Being your mother has made me fall farther in love with your father and LOVE being his wife so much more. Making you two happy and helping us get to heaven is my dream job.

3 wishes...

Hmmm…If I could have 3 wishes…

1. I would want everyone to hear the gospel. Everyone would have equal opportunity. What they did with it would be their choice…but, they would have heard.

2. I would never want to lose anyone I love. Which wouldn't make sense bc I don't want to die before hem bc I wouldn't want them to be sad over me. Vicious circle.

3. I never want anyone to hurt you. Which also could have bad consequences because sometimes that is what it takes to build character. But, the thought of someone hurting you physically or emotionally breaks my heart. I always want to be able to protect you. The love I have for you is so new to me. It isn't like a love for my mother or my love for your father. It is totally different, not more…just different. It is a protective love. I am so proud of you and proud to have you. I am so blessed.

5 things….

The  5 things that make me most happy right now. (in no particular order)

1. Your daddy. He has been making me happy for years now! I love watching him watch you. I love watching him smile when you smile or do new things. Yesterday we took a video of you laughing in your Johnny Jumper and he has watched it probably 10 times and just grinned and laughed. He loves you so much and that makes me happy.

2. You. You make me happy. You are currently laying on your play mat and cooing and trying to roll over. I love watching you discover new things. You laugh warms me and your smile is so big! I have never known a love like this one. We are so proud of you. You make us happy.

3. Prayer. I am happy I have to ability to talk to God about my reservations about being a mother and many other things. Sometimes I feel very inadequate and unprepared. Talking to Him helps calm me. I know I will never be perfect, but I will always strive to be. I want to be the mother you need. Remember, even when you feel like nobody is there, we will always be there. If the Lord calls us home  He is there for you. You are NEVER alone.

4. My job. I love my job. I love helping others and making them feel better. I love that I am always learning. I like the science of it all. Some days are miserable and exhausting mentally, physically, and emotionally. Still, I am happy to finally be nursing.

5. There are also a lot of little things that also make me happy. Technology that makes things easier…like your bottle maker, your swing, the diaper genie, cell phones, and the internet. Kit Kats, sparkling strawberry lemonade, and white chocolate mochas make me happy. These are very trivial things that don't amount to a hill of beans in the end. The happiness I get from these last things fade quickly. Material things don't make you happy Baby J. Remember that. Don't let "things" govern your happiness.

I love you!

hard one

10 things you would tell your 16 year old self.

1. Mom is right when she says "Nothing good happens after 9 o'clock. Thats why your curfew was 9:30. (even though she fights to the death that it wasn't)

2. You are going to fail at things. That's ok.

3. Not everything will go as planned the first time you try it. You will overcome your fears and try college again. You will succeed with flying colors. You will be Ashley BSN, RN

4. You will marry Josh. Take it slow.

5. Not everything is a big deal. Don't blow things out of proportion.

6. Respect your parents and Josh's parents. They will be your in-laws. You will love them and they will love you.

7. Not everyone you meet will like you. That is their loss.

8. You will have you spiritual lulls. Keep praying and studying. You will work through them.

9. Spend more time with your mom and brother. You will miss them so much when you leave home. And one day you will live in TX and it will be hard to live so far away when your baby brother is growing up.

10. Always try your best and always love the Lord.

Marriage

Day 3. Describe your relationship with your spouse.

Well, J, daddy and I have been together a long time. 13 years! Your daddy took me on my very first date. We went to eat at our favorite restaurant, Los Portales, and then played putt-putt. After that daddy took me back to my house and there was a surprise 16th birthday party there for me!

Your daddy and I said "I love you" pretty early in the relationship. I believe we did love each other as much as two 16 year olds could love each other. But, it pales to how I love your daddy now. Your daddy is one of my heroes and I am his biggest fan. He has always supported and encouraged me. We believe in each other. I respect your daddy so much. He does so much for our little family. Your daddy does a wonderful job at leading our family. I do my best to be a godly submissive wife. (I had a great teacher in your grandma Vicki.) Your daddy and I rarely disagree about things and have never raised our voice to one another. We have already agreed to not fight in front of you. And stand behind each other when decisions are made. If we don't agree we will discuss those things in private.

 We love you SO much baby J, but we will always put each other first. I hope you will learn to do the same when you meet the one you choose to spend your life with. Lord willing you will have that opportunity and choose a God fearing spouse. I am not ready to think about this very much because right now nobody can love you like you need to be loved except me. But, I pray somewhere out there a mommy and daddy and praying these same things food their little girl, who will be your wife.

Baby J, you are expected to be the head of your home and do everything in your power to help them get to heaven. You need to be the leader in your home but, always respect your wife's opinion. You will be a team. Things won't always be easy. But, marriage is a fun journey!

3 fears.

I dread writing this one because I am going to feel so vulnerable. But, even though you may think so right now, I am not perfect. You will never be perfect. You will have fears and I pray God allows me to stay around long enough to help you overcome them.

1. I fear failure

I was always hard on myself in school with academics. I wanted to win EVERY spelling bee and make the highest grade on every test and get done with every multiplication quiz first. I wanted to do things "right". I hated the thought of ever disappointing my mother and this was a driving force a lot of my childhood. I wanted to be like her. I definitely haven't failed at that! I am constantly finding ways me and your Grandma Vicki are alike!
Anyway, I remember getting my first C and D on a test and feeling like a failure. I remember failing my first college course and being devastated. I remember being told I couldn't return to the private college I was at because I had failed a class. I thought my world was OVER! This is why it took me 4 years to go back to school. My fear of failure was so strong. But, your dad was my biggest fan and pushed me so hard! With lots of love, support, and hard work your mommy is now a nurse!
I struggle a lot with being scared of failing as a Christian, wife, and mother. But, I think most moms do!

2. I fear change

I was so scared to go to college and still remember the heart crushing look on my mother's face as I drove away. I remember crying the whole 2 hour drive. I remember talking to her 6+ times a day. I remember not knowing how I was going to make it without her…here creeps in that fear of failure again.
Then I was scared of the HUGE change of getting married. I was so excited, but it was a big change. I would be living 7 hours away from family. (This turns out to be one of the best decisions we could have made because we learned to rely on one another).
I was nervous about the change of moving to TX. I flat out did not want to. But, I told your daddy I trusted him and would support whatever decision he thought was best for us. We are still here almost 5 years later.
You were the biggest change so far! And I have never been so scared or felt so inadequate in my whole life. I probably always will. But, I am trying and that will NEVER change!

3. I fear losing loved ones

This is one I can't think about for too long. It is a legitimate WORRY if I don't concentrate hard to control my mind. I don't like thinking about having to live my life without some very special people. Maybe I will expound on this later…but, I con't let my mind go there tonight.

A few other fears include: lighthouses, spiders, crunching bugs, haunted houses, potatoes with eyes, etc.

Baby J, you will have fears. But, always remember that there is always The Great Comforter you can rely on.

(I had 4 hours of sleep so overlook the grammatical errors.)

Learning about Mommy (for Baby J)

I saw this on a friend's blog and loved the idea! These are a list of things for Jensen to read one day and learn about his mom. I am going to try to have Josh do them also. As I sit typing and looking at him on the monitor…I pray one day he will know how deeply I love him, his father, and his Father.  

Here's the List :
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears 
3. Describe your relationship with your spouse. 
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. What’s the hardest part of growing up?
14. Describe 5 and weaknesses strengths you have.
15. Describe when you knew your spouse was the one or how I fell in love.
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What do you think your spouse loves most about you?
19. How did you feel the moment you became a parent?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. Describe your relationship with your parents.
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. What’s your favorite holiday and why?
24. What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about parenthood?
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What’s your favorite quality in your spouse?
29. What are your hopes and dreams for your prosperity?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

So, day one:
1. I can't cook in a dirty kitchen
2. I don't like fuzzes in-between my toes
3. I usually wear children's size shoes
4. I am most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans (no shoes)
5. Your dad took me on my first date
6. I wrecked grandma's car when I was 15
7. I had eye surgery when I was 9 months old because my left eye was crossed (so, I wore glasses for many years)
8. I went to school with Justin Timberlake (you probably will have to google him by the time you care to read this!)
9. I don't really like roller coasters
10. I LOVE Disney World!
11. I scratch when I am tired (my head, my back, you daddy's head)
12. I pick when I am stressed or worried (usually at my arms)
13. I do not like change, but I am trying to learn how to better adjust
14. I count a lot. (I count steps and rhythmic noises…I should stop bc I will sound really weird)
15. I played softball in the 4th grade. Then again the year you were born for a co-ed city league
16. I never skipped school in HS
17. I never went to a school dance or prom
18. I hate shopping for clothes (for myself). I love shopping for you and your dad!
19. I prefer the winter and I LOVE snow!
20. I like to write but don't like to read for pleasure. 

I am thinking about putting these in a shutter fly book or something.

I love you Baby J.