How is it possible?

How is it possible that J is 9 months old and I am starting to think about his first birthday party. It seems  like just yesterday I was crying in my hospital bed, on Oct. 4th, because I didn't want my simple world to change. Now I would change it all over again and again and again. My how your little soul has changed things!

Maybe it is just because I am tired because he hasn't slept well the last few nights from cutting his second tooth…but, I am super emotional today (sorry Josh). I ran across this article today on Fb. It's like I told her the words to write. There haven't been many days that have passed that I didn't cry for J about something.

Jensen Carter- Some days I hold you and think I would love to have a thousand little yous running around. You bring me so much joy and happiness. I love watching you learn and grow…but, it hurts my heart. Most days though, I think that my heart can't take doing this again. I am so scared for you. I am scared of people hurting you and you feeling inadequate. I want to protect you from everything-always. She said it perfectly in her post when she said it feels a lot like a breaking heart. That is exactly how I would describe it. My heart swells, hurts, stretches, flutters, and aches for you EVERY DAY!

I pray…I pray so hard every day that you will never turn your back on God or your parents…because, sweet boy, we will never turn our backs on you. You have changed our lives in ways we couldn't even dream of. Watching you and your daddy play makes my eyes fill with tears…he loves you more than you will every know, Baby Boy. He is so proud of you and he thinks you are amazing.

I am learning to take one day at a time. I have to. If I don't then I let my emotions take over and I am paralyzed because I am so scared for you in the world. So, while you take a nap I will try to put on happy music and plan your first birthday party and not think too much about the future.