I write this to mothers-to-be, mothers, and people who know a mother!
99% of the people I have talked to have told me everything I feel/have felt is normal. But, I have never had hormone problems and adjustment problems like I have in the last 10 weeks. The things I am writing are absolutely not true for EVERYONE…but, they are for the majority of women. These are some lessons I have learned…I don't know how many I will end up with bc I am just going to let them roll…
1. YOU WILL NEVER BE PREPARED! You will never be prepared for the amount of change you will endure…physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I am a type A personality. I want to be organized and prepared for EVERYTHING. I have pinterest boards, notebooks, and literature galore that I read to try to get ready for this change and while a lot of it helped…it didn't touch the surface.
2. Something WILL go wrong. Whether you wanted to go natural and med free and end up with a c-section…or you want NO pain meds and end up with an epidural…or you want to breastfeed and have problems…NOTHING will be perfect!
3. There will be people who make you feel inadequate. There are people who look at you like you are crazy when you tell them how you are feeling. They are the rare exception… Most women have been exactly where you are and have felt what you feel… Too many women don't talk about these things and do new mothers an injustice. (Maybe they are ashamed, as I have been…or maybe they just don't remember) We need to be prepared for the feelings we will have and know that they are OK and NORMAL!
4. While I am on feelings… You will resent your child for taking your freedom and taking time away from your husband. You will wish things were "back to normal". You will get mad at your child. You will get mad because your husband is still 'normal'. You will get mad when he goes and does 'fun' things while you are left with a screaming baby. You will get mad at yourself for feeling these things! There will be times you DON'T enjoy motherhood! I sat and cried all day because Jensen would leave home one day. The next day I sat and cried because if something happened to me Josh and Jensen would be left without a mother/wife. You will think you are losing your mind….give it a few weeks and say lots of prayers.
5. You will have major body changes…I will not elaborate on this one too much in case men read this…but, there are MANY things people (and nursing textbooks in my case) don't tell you! Maybe another blog post for that!
6. You won't get much done the first 10 weeks. I spent the first 8 weeks in the recliner. He slept on my chest or in my arms…it was just easier. There were days I didn't brush my hair or teeth (gross, I know). You will push your bladder to the max because you don't want to wake a FINALLY sleeping baby!
7. While on that topic. ACCEPT help. Actually…let me stop a minute…If you know someone who has just had a baby don't OFFER your help…GIVE IT!!! Don't let it be a choice/option…they will probably not call you and ask because of #3. We feel like we are supposed to be able to handle everything flawlessly bc all other mothers do, right?! NO!!! All other mothers DON'T handle it flawlessly…THEY JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT IT!!! That is why I am blogging this!!! I appreciate so much the people who stopped by without asking and leaving food. I appreciate my sister-in-law saying she was coming to help clean! I appreciate my mother and mother-in-law coming and helping…this gave me time to learn and bond with my baby and not have to worry about the house. So, call the lady and say "Hey, I am coming over to clean your bathrooms, kitchen….whatever".
8. You will adjust to less sleep!
9. Make your own rules. My baby sleeps with us. (I know, shame on us!) I DON'T CARE WHAT THE BOOKS SAY. This works for us. I wasn't going to give him a pacifier either… He is currently in the bassinet in front of me sucking away on one! YOU ARE THIS CHILD'S MOTHER…NOBODY ELSE! Yes, advice can be very helpful…but, in the end that child is YOUR responsibility…and YOU are raising them.
10. You will know a love like no other. When you see that first intentional smile…it helps erase the frustration…if only for a minute. Snuggle them, kiss them, hug them, and love them. You know they won't be that little forever…nobody needs to remind you of that.
Motherhood is STILL not easy for me. I still have daily selfish pity parties. I still get frustrated with Jensen. Things HAVE gotten better. He has been hard to feed since day one! Everyone says 12 weeks is when things usually get better…I am counting the days! I am not wishing them away by any means…but, I am anxiously awaiting them! I should try and get a nap because he will be up again in an hour or so...
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
My birth story. My lullaby.
Well, it feels like it has been a decade! I have been wanting to let this flow, but I have had a tough time adjusting. So, let it begin…
I had everything planned out (HA!). I was going to go into labor at work and just have to walk right across the catwalk to the Women's and Children's hospital (that way I had no time to get nervous). Well, we know things hardly EVER go according to planned! At about 34 weeks, on a Thursday, I went for a regular prenatal visit and my B/P was a little high (135/90). My midwife was out of the country and the midwife taking her place wanted to be very cautious (since I wasn't actually her patient). She asked me not to go back to work and come back in on Monday. (Some women have had seizures with blood pressures of about 140/90) So, I was to relax over the weekend. Things hadn't improved by Monday and the supervising Physician told me I could not return to work. Problem #1. I wanted to use all 12 weeks AFTER the baby got here!
So, from then on I had to go to the hospital for weekly checks. They would check my urine for protein, check my B/P, do an NST (non-stress test), and a BPP (biophysical profile). Nothing was ever abnormal except my B/P. Well, about 37 weeks when they were doing the NST I was having contractions. After about 30 minutes I called my mom and told her. We were both kind of nervous that things were getting close…so, she flew in 2 days later. Well….Problem #2…NOTHING HAPPENED! When my midwife returned she checked me out and I was only 1cm dilated.
Long story short…they wanted me as close to 40 weeks as possible. I went in for my 39 weeks check and my midwife decided we should get things started. Problem #2…I wanted to go on my own. Anyway, we went across the street and checked into the hospital. Once settled in they hooked me up to every machine imaginable (maybe a slight exaggeration) and started me on Cytotec every 2 hours. I began having regular contractions but they weren't painful. This went on for 24 hours with no progress in dilation. On Friday the Physician came in and told me that I could either go home and wait it out but risk problems with my BP or I could have a c-section (which they recommended to be safer considering my B/P had been rising). They left us to talk things over.
After ALOT of tears and prayers (and a B/P reading of 170/110 eek!) we decided to go ahead with the c-section. The nerves set in. This was my last night alone with Josh. They moved me from the L/D suite to a regular room. Josh and I spent our last night snuggled up in the hospital bed. I don't think I slept more than a few hours because my head was racing thinking about all the changes that were coming. I already missed the life we had. I missed Josh and he was laying right beside me. I don't do well with big changes…and this is the biggest I have ever had to prepare for. How DO you prepare for this?
About 0900 Saturday morning they took me to prep me for surgery. I don't know if I have ever been so nervous in my life. I said my goodbyes and the took me back. As I climbed up on the OR table I remember thinking that I would lay down pregnant one last time and get up a mother (I know I was already a mother…but, you know what I mean).
The epidural was miserably painful. I laid back and they began prepping me with the various scrubs. When they raised the drape I was nervous bc I could still move my legs!!! After hastily asking if that was ok they reassured me everything was working appropriately. They put Oxygen on me…it tasted awful! Then, I turned to the door to see Josh walk in. The look on his face nearly broke my heart. I could tell he was concerned about me. I gave him a smile and he smiled back and his face relaxed. The time was here…I have had mixed feelings about this since we began talking about starting a family. I heard the doctor say that I could have gone to 45 weeks and I would not have had the baby naturally bc he was not dropped at all…which is why I was not dilating. I never even knew he had made the incision. Before I had time to finish my prayer it was time! "You are going to feel a lot of pressure!" I have seen a c-section…I know what that means…I know how rough they can get…but, I didn't realize the pressure I would feel would be in my chest! "Daddy, tell her what you have" SILENCE! My head started to race bc Josh wasn't speaking! Was something wrong? Can he not see? Is he crying? Why isn't my baby crying yet? WHAT IS IT AND IS IT OK?!
Josh looked at me with a smile a mile wide and said "It's a boy" He watched as they weighed and measured. Then they brought him over and a tear streamed down my face. He was beautiful. Then Josh left with the baby, the doctor, and the nursery nurse. I don't remember much after that . I started getting drowsy until they gave me a pain med through my IV…then NAUSEA! They quickly released one of my hands so I could hold a emesis basin as they gave me a nausea med. Thankfully it worked almost immediately and I never got sick.
Then, my mom walked in the recovery room, told me he was beautiful and perfect, and told me to go to sleep. Then the shakes started…which are normal…but, MAN! I couldn't even talk I was shaking so hard! They finally brought me my baby and I got to hold him for the first time. We snuggled in and then I got to hear MY LULLABY! I had heard it every day at work and though "that will be mine soon". And here it was…MY LULLABY. They were playing that song bc I had given birth to my son…not the way I had planed…but, I am no less of a mother. The days are getting easier and I am adjusting slowly… I don't think you can ever be totally ready for the changes that come with parenthood. I still get frustrated too easily and have much too little patience…especially when he has cried for 3 hours and I cannot console him…but, that smile. That smile warms my heart. I thought I loved Josh before…but, seeing him with Jensen makes me fall in love all over again. One of my new favorite quotes is "I never knew how much I loved your daddy, until I saw how much he loves you". Every day brings new challenges…but, with support and prayers I am ready!
I had everything planned out (HA!). I was going to go into labor at work and just have to walk right across the catwalk to the Women's and Children's hospital (that way I had no time to get nervous). Well, we know things hardly EVER go according to planned! At about 34 weeks, on a Thursday, I went for a regular prenatal visit and my B/P was a little high (135/90). My midwife was out of the country and the midwife taking her place wanted to be very cautious (since I wasn't actually her patient). She asked me not to go back to work and come back in on Monday. (Some women have had seizures with blood pressures of about 140/90) So, I was to relax over the weekend. Things hadn't improved by Monday and the supervising Physician told me I could not return to work. Problem #1. I wanted to use all 12 weeks AFTER the baby got here!
So, from then on I had to go to the hospital for weekly checks. They would check my urine for protein, check my B/P, do an NST (non-stress test), and a BPP (biophysical profile). Nothing was ever abnormal except my B/P. Well, about 37 weeks when they were doing the NST I was having contractions. After about 30 minutes I called my mom and told her. We were both kind of nervous that things were getting close…so, she flew in 2 days later. Well….Problem #2…NOTHING HAPPENED! When my midwife returned she checked me out and I was only 1cm dilated.
Long story short…they wanted me as close to 40 weeks as possible. I went in for my 39 weeks check and my midwife decided we should get things started. Problem #2…I wanted to go on my own. Anyway, we went across the street and checked into the hospital. Once settled in they hooked me up to every machine imaginable (maybe a slight exaggeration) and started me on Cytotec every 2 hours. I began having regular contractions but they weren't painful. This went on for 24 hours with no progress in dilation. On Friday the Physician came in and told me that I could either go home and wait it out but risk problems with my BP or I could have a c-section (which they recommended to be safer considering my B/P had been rising). They left us to talk things over.
After ALOT of tears and prayers (and a B/P reading of 170/110 eek!) we decided to go ahead with the c-section. The nerves set in. This was my last night alone with Josh. They moved me from the L/D suite to a regular room. Josh and I spent our last night snuggled up in the hospital bed. I don't think I slept more than a few hours because my head was racing thinking about all the changes that were coming. I already missed the life we had. I missed Josh and he was laying right beside me. I don't do well with big changes…and this is the biggest I have ever had to prepare for. How DO you prepare for this?
About 0900 Saturday morning they took me to prep me for surgery. I don't know if I have ever been so nervous in my life. I said my goodbyes and the took me back. As I climbed up on the OR table I remember thinking that I would lay down pregnant one last time and get up a mother (I know I was already a mother…but, you know what I mean).
The epidural was miserably painful. I laid back and they began prepping me with the various scrubs. When they raised the drape I was nervous bc I could still move my legs!!! After hastily asking if that was ok they reassured me everything was working appropriately. They put Oxygen on me…it tasted awful! Then, I turned to the door to see Josh walk in. The look on his face nearly broke my heart. I could tell he was concerned about me. I gave him a smile and he smiled back and his face relaxed. The time was here…I have had mixed feelings about this since we began talking about starting a family. I heard the doctor say that I could have gone to 45 weeks and I would not have had the baby naturally bc he was not dropped at all…which is why I was not dilating. I never even knew he had made the incision. Before I had time to finish my prayer it was time! "You are going to feel a lot of pressure!" I have seen a c-section…I know what that means…I know how rough they can get…but, I didn't realize the pressure I would feel would be in my chest! "Daddy, tell her what you have" SILENCE! My head started to race bc Josh wasn't speaking! Was something wrong? Can he not see? Is he crying? Why isn't my baby crying yet? WHAT IS IT AND IS IT OK?!
Josh looked at me with a smile a mile wide and said "It's a boy" He watched as they weighed and measured. Then they brought him over and a tear streamed down my face. He was beautiful. Then Josh left with the baby, the doctor, and the nursery nurse. I don't remember much after that . I started getting drowsy until they gave me a pain med through my IV…then NAUSEA! They quickly released one of my hands so I could hold a emesis basin as they gave me a nausea med. Thankfully it worked almost immediately and I never got sick.
Then, my mom walked in the recovery room, told me he was beautiful and perfect, and told me to go to sleep. Then the shakes started…which are normal…but, MAN! I couldn't even talk I was shaking so hard! They finally brought me my baby and I got to hold him for the first time. We snuggled in and then I got to hear MY LULLABY! I had heard it every day at work and though "that will be mine soon". And here it was…MY LULLABY. They were playing that song bc I had given birth to my son…not the way I had planed…but, I am no less of a mother. The days are getting easier and I am adjusting slowly… I don't think you can ever be totally ready for the changes that come with parenthood. I still get frustrated too easily and have much too little patience…especially when he has cried for 3 hours and I cannot console him…but, that smile. That smile warms my heart. I thought I loved Josh before…but, seeing him with Jensen makes me fall in love all over again. One of my new favorite quotes is "I never knew how much I loved your daddy, until I saw how much he loves you". Every day brings new challenges…but, with support and prayers I am ready!
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