3 fears.

I dread writing this one because I am going to feel so vulnerable. But, even though you may think so right now, I am not perfect. You will never be perfect. You will have fears and I pray God allows me to stay around long enough to help you overcome them.

1. I fear failure

I was always hard on myself in school with academics. I wanted to win EVERY spelling bee and make the highest grade on every test and get done with every multiplication quiz first. I wanted to do things "right". I hated the thought of ever disappointing my mother and this was a driving force a lot of my childhood. I wanted to be like her. I definitely haven't failed at that! I am constantly finding ways me and your Grandma Vicki are alike!
Anyway, I remember getting my first C and D on a test and feeling like a failure. I remember failing my first college course and being devastated. I remember being told I couldn't return to the private college I was at because I had failed a class. I thought my world was OVER! This is why it took me 4 years to go back to school. My fear of failure was so strong. But, your dad was my biggest fan and pushed me so hard! With lots of love, support, and hard work your mommy is now a nurse!
I struggle a lot with being scared of failing as a Christian, wife, and mother. But, I think most moms do!

2. I fear change

I was so scared to go to college and still remember the heart crushing look on my mother's face as I drove away. I remember crying the whole 2 hour drive. I remember talking to her 6+ times a day. I remember not knowing how I was going to make it without her…here creeps in that fear of failure again.
Then I was scared of the HUGE change of getting married. I was so excited, but it was a big change. I would be living 7 hours away from family. (This turns out to be one of the best decisions we could have made because we learned to rely on one another).
I was nervous about the change of moving to TX. I flat out did not want to. But, I told your daddy I trusted him and would support whatever decision he thought was best for us. We are still here almost 5 years later.
You were the biggest change so far! And I have never been so scared or felt so inadequate in my whole life. I probably always will. But, I am trying and that will NEVER change!

3. I fear losing loved ones

This is one I can't think about for too long. It is a legitimate WORRY if I don't concentrate hard to control my mind. I don't like thinking about having to live my life without some very special people. Maybe I will expound on this later…but, I con't let my mind go there tonight.

A few other fears include: lighthouses, spiders, crunching bugs, haunted houses, potatoes with eyes, etc.

Baby J, you will have fears. But, always remember that there is always The Great Comforter you can rely on.

(I had 4 hours of sleep so overlook the grammatical errors.)

Learning about Mommy (for Baby J)

I saw this on a friend's blog and loved the idea! These are a list of things for Jensen to read one day and learn about his mom. I am going to try to have Josh do them also. As I sit typing and looking at him on the monitor…I pray one day he will know how deeply I love him, his father, and his Father.  

Here's the List :
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears 
3. Describe your relationship with your spouse. 
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. What’s the hardest part of growing up?
14. Describe 5 and weaknesses strengths you have.
15. Describe when you knew your spouse was the one or how I fell in love.
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What do you think your spouse loves most about you?
19. How did you feel the moment you became a parent?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. Describe your relationship with your parents.
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. What’s your favorite holiday and why?
24. What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about parenthood?
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What’s your favorite quality in your spouse?
29. What are your hopes and dreams for your prosperity?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

So, day one:
1. I can't cook in a dirty kitchen
2. I don't like fuzzes in-between my toes
3. I usually wear children's size shoes
4. I am most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans (no shoes)
5. Your dad took me on my first date
6. I wrecked grandma's car when I was 15
7. I had eye surgery when I was 9 months old because my left eye was crossed (so, I wore glasses for many years)
8. I went to school with Justin Timberlake (you probably will have to google him by the time you care to read this!)
9. I don't really like roller coasters
10. I LOVE Disney World!
11. I scratch when I am tired (my head, my back, you daddy's head)
12. I pick when I am stressed or worried (usually at my arms)
13. I do not like change, but I am trying to learn how to better adjust
14. I count a lot. (I count steps and rhythmic noises…I should stop bc I will sound really weird)
15. I played softball in the 4th grade. Then again the year you were born for a co-ed city league
16. I never skipped school in HS
17. I never went to a school dance or prom
18. I hate shopping for clothes (for myself). I love shopping for you and your dad!
19. I prefer the winter and I LOVE snow!
20. I like to write but don't like to read for pleasure. 

I am thinking about putting these in a shutter fly book or something.

I love you Baby J. 

10 weeks of lessons!

I write this to mothers-to-be, mothers, and people who know a mother!

99% of the people I have talked to have told me everything I feel/have felt is normal. But, I have never had hormone problems and adjustment problems like I have in the last 10 weeks. The things I am writing are absolutely not true for EVERYONE…but, they are for the majority of women. These are some lessons I have learned…I don't know how many I will end up with bc I am just going to let them roll…

1. YOU WILL NEVER BE PREPARED! You will never be prepared for the amount of change you will endure…physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I am a type A personality. I want to be organized and prepared for EVERYTHING. I have pinterest boards, notebooks, and literature galore that I read to try to get ready for this change and while a lot of it helped…it didn't touch the surface.

2. Something WILL go wrong. Whether you wanted to go natural and med free and end up with a c-section…or you want NO pain meds and end up with an epidural…or you want to breastfeed and have problems…NOTHING will be perfect!

3. There will be people who make you feel inadequate. There are people who look at you like you are crazy when you tell them how you are feeling. They are the rare exception… Most women have been exactly where you are and have felt what you feel… Too many women don't talk about these things and do new mothers an injustice. (Maybe they are ashamed, as I have been…or maybe they just don't remember) We need to be prepared for the feelings we will have and know that they are OK and NORMAL!

4. While I am on feelings… You will resent your child for taking your freedom and taking time away from your husband. You will wish things were "back to normal". You will get mad at your child. You will get mad because your husband is still 'normal'. You will get mad when he goes and does 'fun' things while you are left with a screaming baby. You will get mad at yourself for feeling these things! There will be times you DON'T enjoy motherhood! I sat and cried all day because Jensen would leave home one day. The next day I sat and cried because if something happened to me Josh and Jensen would be left without a mother/wife. You will think you are losing your mind….give it a few weeks and say lots of prayers.

5. You will have major body changes…I will not elaborate on this one too much in case men read this…but, there are MANY things people (and nursing textbooks in my case) don't tell you! Maybe another blog post for that!

6. You won't get much done the first 10 weeks. I spent the first 8 weeks in the recliner. He slept on my chest or in my arms…it was just easier. There were days I didn't brush my hair or teeth (gross, I know). You will push your bladder to the max because you don't want to wake a FINALLY sleeping baby!

7. While on that topic. ACCEPT help. Actually…let me stop a minute…If you know someone who has just had a baby don't OFFER your help…GIVE IT!!! Don't let it be a choice/option…they will probably not call you and ask because of #3. We feel like we are supposed to be able to handle everything flawlessly bc all other mothers do, right?! NO!!! All other mothers DON'T handle it flawlessly…THEY JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT IT!!! That is why I am blogging this!!! I appreciate so much the people who stopped by without asking and leaving food. I appreciate my sister-in-law saying she was coming to help clean! I appreciate my mother and mother-in-law coming and helping…this gave me time to learn and bond with my baby and not have to worry about the house. So, call the lady and say "Hey, I am coming over to clean your bathrooms, kitchen….whatever".

8. You will adjust to less sleep!

9. Make your own rules. My baby sleeps with us. (I know, shame on us!) I DON'T CARE WHAT THE BOOKS SAY. This works for us. I wasn't going to give him a pacifier either… He is currently in the bassinet in front of me sucking away on one! YOU ARE THIS CHILD'S MOTHER…NOBODY ELSE! Yes, advice can be very helpful…but, in the end that child is YOUR responsibility…and YOU are raising them.

10. You will know a love like no other. When you see that first intentional smile…it helps erase the frustration…if only for a minute. Snuggle them, kiss them, hug them, and love them. You know they won't be that little forever…nobody needs to remind you of that.

Motherhood is STILL not easy for me. I still have daily selfish pity parties. I still get frustrated with Jensen. Things HAVE gotten better. He has been hard to feed since day one! Everyone says 12 weeks is when things usually get better…I am counting the days! I am not wishing them away by any means…but, I am anxiously awaiting them! I should try and get a nap because he will be up again in an hour or so...

My birth story. My lullaby.

Well, it feels like it has been a decade! I have been wanting to let this flow, but I have had a tough time adjusting. So, let it begin…

I had everything planned out (HA!). I was going to go into labor at work and just have to walk right across the catwalk to the Women's and Children's hospital (that way I had no time to get nervous). Well, we know things hardly EVER go according to planned! At about 34 weeks, on a Thursday, I went for a regular prenatal visit and my B/P was a little high (135/90). My midwife was out of the country and the midwife taking her place wanted to be very cautious (since I wasn't actually her patient). She asked me not to go back to work and come back in on Monday. (Some women have had seizures with blood pressures of about 140/90) So, I was to relax over the weekend. Things hadn't improved by Monday and the supervising Physician told me I could not return to work. Problem #1. I wanted to use all 12 weeks AFTER the baby got here!

So, from then on I had to go to the hospital for weekly checks. They would check my urine for protein, check my B/P, do an NST (non-stress test), and a BPP (biophysical profile). Nothing was ever abnormal except my B/P. Well, about 37 weeks when they were doing the NST I was having contractions. After about 30 minutes I called my mom and told her. We were both kind of nervous that things were getting close…so, she flew in 2 days later. Well….Problem #2…NOTHING HAPPENED! When my midwife returned she checked me out and I was only 1cm dilated.

Long story short…they wanted me as close to 40 weeks as possible. I went in for my 39 weeks check and my midwife decided we should get things started. Problem #2…I wanted to go on my own. Anyway, we went across the street and checked into the hospital. Once settled in they hooked me up to every machine imaginable (maybe a slight exaggeration) and started me on Cytotec every 2 hours. I began having regular contractions but they weren't painful. This went on for 24 hours with no progress in dilation. On Friday the Physician came in and told me that I could either go home and wait it out but risk problems with my BP or I could have a c-section (which they recommended to be safer considering my B/P had been rising). They left us to talk things over.

After ALOT of tears and prayers (and a B/P reading of 170/110 eek!) we decided to go ahead with the c-section. The nerves set in. This was my last night alone with Josh. They moved me from the L/D suite to a regular room. Josh and I spent our last night snuggled up in the hospital bed. I don't think I slept more than a few hours because my head was racing thinking about all the changes that were coming. I already missed the life we had. I missed Josh and he was laying right beside me. I don't do well with big changes…and this is the biggest I have ever had to prepare for. How DO you prepare for this?

About 0900 Saturday morning they took me to prep me for surgery. I don't know if I have ever been so nervous in my life. I said my goodbyes and the took me back. As I climbed up on the OR table I remember thinking that I would lay down pregnant one last time and get up a mother (I know I was already a mother…but, you know what I mean).

The epidural was miserably painful. I laid back and they began prepping me with the various scrubs. When they raised the drape I was nervous bc I could still move my legs!!! After hastily asking if that was ok they reassured me everything was working appropriately. They put Oxygen on me…it tasted awful! Then, I turned to the door to see Josh walk in. The look on his face nearly broke my heart. I could tell he was concerned about me. I gave him a smile and he smiled back and his face relaxed. The time was here…I have had mixed feelings about this since we began talking about starting a family. I heard the doctor say that I could have gone to 45 weeks and I would not have had the baby naturally bc he was not dropped at all…which is why I was not dilating. I never even knew he had made the incision. Before I had time to finish my prayer it was time! "You are going to feel a lot of pressure!" I have seen a c-section…I know what that means…I know how rough they can get…but, I didn't realize the pressure I would feel would be in my chest! "Daddy, tell her what you have" SILENCE! My head started to race bc Josh wasn't speaking! Was something wrong? Can he not see? Is he crying? Why isn't my baby crying yet? WHAT IS IT AND IS IT OK?!

Josh looked at me with a smile a mile wide and said "It's a boy" He watched as they weighed and measured. Then they brought him over and a tear streamed down my face. He was beautiful. Then Josh left with the baby, the doctor, and the nursery nurse. I don't remember much after that . I started getting drowsy until they gave me a pain med through my IV…then NAUSEA! They quickly released one of my hands so I could hold a emesis basin as they gave me a nausea med. Thankfully it worked almost immediately and I never got sick.

Then, my mom walked in the recovery room, told me he was beautiful and perfect, and told me to go to sleep. Then the shakes started…which are normal…but, MAN! I couldn't even talk I was shaking so hard! They finally brought me my baby and I got to hold him for the first time. We snuggled in and then I got to hear MY LULLABY! I had heard it every day at work and though "that will be mine soon". And here it was…MY LULLABY. They were playing that song bc I had given birth to my son…not the way I had planed…but, I am no less of a mother.  The days are getting easier and I am adjusting slowly… I don't think you can ever be totally ready for the changes that come with parenthood. I still get frustrated too easily and have much too little patience…especially when he has cried for 3 hours and I cannot console him…but, that smile. That smile warms my heart. I thought I loved Josh before…but, seeing him with Jensen makes me fall in love all over again. One of my new favorite quotes is "I never knew how much I loved your daddy, until I saw how much he loves you". Every day brings new challenges…but, with support and prayers I am ready!

Hello...remember me!?

It has been so long...the short of it is this:
1. I graduated nursing school 5-11-13
2. We went to TN to see my brother graduate 5-31-13
3. I started work 6-3-13
4. I got a new car 7-9-13
5. I took state boards 7-11-13
6. I got my nursing license 7-16-13

Now to fill in the gaps. 11 seems to be the number for the year! graduation, boards, due date for baby Romo! Anyway. We had a fun trip to TN which included a quick trip to St. Louis to see Evan and Christina (and the other baby Romo). We got back and I began work. 2 weeks of classroom orientation then I began work on the floor! (I get off orientation on Aug. 9th eek!) Umm...we met mom last weekend in Texarkana to get the crib mattress and front of the crib. We stopped at the Ft. Worth zoo on the way home. They had a baby elephant, rhino, and longhorn there to see :)

On the baby news...I had my glucose tolerance screen Thursday (I assume it went ok bc they didn't call me back), I got my Rhogam shot, AND we had an elective 3D sonogram. Pictures are on fb :)  I have started my lists :mommy hospital bag, baby hospital bag, a list of ppl to call when baby arrives, and a list of photos I want taken at the hospital. I am becoming a pinterest abby addict...looking for new mommy "need to knows".

There is a quick update!

PS...project nursery begins tomorrow!

NEW THINGS COMING

I am sure everyone knows by now....we are preggo! I will be 12 weeks Friday. SInce I am bigger, I am not showing yet. I am having some typical symptoms...nausea with certain foods (oranges, onions, tomatoes) and smells, tenderness in some areas and cravings every now and again. We are due Oct. 11th. Also, Josh's brother Evan and his wife Christina are due 2 DAYS before us! Crazy huh!?

Our first family photo.

My dad drew this for the baby's nursery. There will be another to add to the set soon :)

Anyway...we have baby furniture, I am working on a registry at Target, and tonight I have been researching cloth diapers! The last one is slightly overwhelming...I have started following a few blogs for guidance! This one even has a giveaway right now!
http://ecocrazymom.com/mothersorganicspringgiveaway/

So, graduation is in 46 days. I started my internship this week...that means I am with a nurse full-time for 4 weeks. My first 12 hour shift was yesterday...ugh! I hated missing worship! I keep telling myself that after graduation I can be picky about my schedule and stuff. Possibilities are almost endless for nurses these days! Especially since I will have my bachelors.

Anyway...since the weather turned freezing last night my head has been wacky today...sore throat and stuffy nose. All I have wanted to do is sleep!

Btw...we have a puppy....I still am not sure about that change sometimes. Josh just brought him home one day...surprise! He is the same age in weeks as I am far along pregnant. But, Josh put up a fence before he left for his mission trip to Jamaica 2 weeks ago. (longest 11 days of my life!) But, he is back now! Thank goodness! We haven't been apart that long in about 8 years and it was brutal!

I decided to add this throwback :)

So, I think I have caught up on everything for now...

Maybe I will see ya again soon!

Ok. I have just decided until I finish school that posting once a semester is acceptable haha! Anyway...I made it through the hardest semester of nursing school. I ended up with a C in the 'less hard' class last semester and a B in the hardest class I will ever have in nursing school! How does that work?! I cried and cried, then checked my grade to be sure it was correct....then cried again! I am so thankful! I would even have times over the break where I would happen to think about that and cry again! I am so excited and proud that I am finally finishing!

This was the pic on our Christmas card this year. (cropped and edited of course).  This pretty much sums up 2012 :)

After my final on Monday, the 10th, we packed and headed for Kansas City, MO. We spent a few days with Evan and Christina. We had SO much fun! We always do with them! I am pretty sure Evan caught up on months worth of short jokes. thanks! lol.

This was the last night we were there. (Wednesday) Evan ordered pizza in his ninja turtle footie pajamas that I made him last Christmas. hilarious! 

This was an OLD college close to Evan and Christina. Park college, I think...

Frozen chocolate custard concrete with peanut butter! Amazing!

On the way to TN we had to make a pit stop at Lamberts!

We stayed in TN a few days. We went and saw dad and grandaddy on Friday. Repacked on Saturday and hit the sack early because we flew out Sunday morning! 

0630 Sunday morning...the moment I have waited for since my bday in August (actually since March 2009). We were heading to WDW! Just the 2 of us! We got there and played around. 

We were stuck between layers of clouds for a while...beautifully amazing!

We were going to attend the Main Gate coC that evening since our layover kept us from morning svcs. Surprise...they don't have evening svcs there. So, we had our own services. I'm going to try to really condense the days for you....

Monday...Animal kingdom! 

This was desert at the Sanaa African restaurant we ate at. It was a bowl made of ice cream custard with chocolate inside!

The tree at the entrance!

It was foggy this morning. This is the 'Tree of Life'. I love how it looks through the fog!

Us with Rafiki!

Tuesday was THE BIG DAY! I was having breakfast in Cinderella's castle! Mom even bought me a pair of shoes to wear just for that! We spent all day in the Magic Kingdom!

I love this picture because we are the ONLY two in the picture....RARE at WDW!

My new charm for my Pandora that I got in Kansas City!

In the Castle!

My rhinestone shoes mom got me! 

We had breakfast at Cinderella's castle...lunch at the Beasts castle in the new Fantasyland...and supper at Pooh's Crystal Palace!

Wednesday was Hollywood Studios and Epcot fireworks where we did our evening Bible Study. :) 

Thursday was EPCOT. We had spent a little time there Wednesday night...So we spent most of the day touring the world showcase. One of my favorites! 

This was from Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party that night. They were serving free cookies and hot chocolate!

This was in EPCOT. Mexico. 

We met Belle in France.

My favorite is always Germany!

Friday we slept in. When we got up we went back to Magic Kingdom a while to meet Rapunzel and Merida. Then to do a little laundry. Then to Downtown Disney! Before Cirque Du Soleil (no pictures allowed) we ate here....

Josh's favorite meal all week! We got the Deluxe Dining Plan! And since it was just us we could reserve meals at all of the nice restaurants and not have to worry about picky kiddos...bc a picky husband is tough enough! We kept a tally of what our meals would have been throughout the week....whew! We saved a TON of $$$. 

Sad to leave!...

I love this pic from the plane on the flight home...you can see the ocean!

Anyway....after Disney we headed back to TN for Christmas. Spent a few days with family. On the day after Christmas Josh and I took Nate to see TSO (his xmas present). We enjoyed it! I also took pics of Nate with his new car!!! oooh aaahh. 

Did I mention we had a white TN Christmas!!! 

This was from TSO!

I randomly have cravings for Dole Whips from Magic Kingdom! YUMM!!!

Now, back to reality! My last semester of nursing school! It looks like it is going to be crazy busy! Not necessarily hard...but a lot of busywork!!! SO....off we go!